Hey, Babclayman here.
I was looking through my review page the other day and noticed Belchic actually wanted me to review some of his fics, so I felt, “Sure, I am currently doing fan fiction reviews so I better give Belchics fics a go”
And well…before I start Belchic, just remember that you asked for it.
Fan Fiction Review
Title: Stealths Lament
Rating: 4/10
Ok, like I mentioned in some other reviews, the script format can only rarely be pulled of successfully. I mean, Race is able to do it cause he usually does it as a joke and just for sh*ts & giggles. For Trey-Vore, he does it but is able to successfully do it off by including images of what the script is going to so his are more like story boards and comics. While his last story I reviewed had some errors, it was still a pretty good story and it was quite enjoyable.
But when you are trying to do a serious story but do it in script format it doesn’t really pull off well. I am talking about…Stealth’s Lament.
Ok, so the Heartbreakers are one of the most popular fan characters on this forum, for me they are possibly on my top favourite characters list, not #1 on my list but one is possibly in the top 10. They have had some good ideas in the past, like the smell to hypnotise people, some sort of magic and blackmailing, However I feel that this is their silliest plan to date.
I mean the story begins quite well possibly the best part of the story, we got the Heartbreakers practicing their team moves, the reference to Trey Vores game idea “Heroes VS Heartbreakers” is pretty clever but then Stealth then starts complaining to Diana how she misses the olden days when it use to be Diana, her and Emma, and she even states the others are whiny useless brats. So let me get this straight, You are calling Rob, Dianas lover and good plan organiser, Jenny, a psychopath hence useful, and Malinda, a dark hex queen who also is good at thinking things up, whiny useless brats? Well, that’s only the authors opinion as it seems in the comments everyone thought otherwise, the only member in the gang who is a brat is Thompson, and still she serves use as the snitch.
But still Diana agrees to have a go at one original three attempt, first they need to go to a cave but there are some BPS pups playing in their way. How Stealth comes up with a plan to get past, Well, since this is a Belchic story, I’ll give you three guesses of what they do.
A. Cause a distraction and sneak on by
B. Simply walk past, the BPS pups are sure not to care, they usually don’t
C. Totem Pole and Trench Coat disguise.
If answered C. NO WAY SHERLOCK! How come this trick always works! I mean the piggy back and trench coat has been use more times then there are dogs on the farm and it has been bored to death. Seriously, it’s overused and yet even though this disguise has been over used by almost everyone but the spainish inquisition, the BPS pups don’t seem to care much. And also, how come all of Belchics characters like Piggy back rides, I mean, not everybody likes them, for me, I find them boring and Dragonologystudent has told me she finds them creepy. So Belchic, if you want to better characters, please make one who isn’t interested in nothing but Totem Towers and Piggyback rides all day.
Like you see I am obsessed with giants but yet I still have characters who hate it. I can do it, you can too.
After that, they find out about this new wolf character called Fang who Stealth recommends to join. But wait a second!
In the first chapter, Stealth wanted the Heartbreakers to be just her, Diana & Emma, but yet here we have her, recommending someone and asking if they can join the Heartbreakers, what happened to original three? I don’t care if you are simply “using” him, it still doesn’t make this original three mission.
We then cut to Tippy & Lizzie and it seems that they smell something and just have to find out what it is, for reasons because they just want to find it.
We then go to the barn where this band called 101 RPM are practicing and then all of a sudden LeAnn comes in with Cantor and tells them that Tippy & Lizzie are missing and everyone starts panicing. Now come on, Lizzie & Tippy have been gone for at least two minutes yet you already starting to plan a rescue party. It doesn’t have to be that important.
Also, I find that there is a lack of introduction to characters in here. I mean, when I first read this I though to myself “Who’s 101 RPM?” I mean, all I got was that there were a band but it is never explained who they are, who’s in it nor why they’re a band in the first place. The same thing goes for Cantor and LeeAnn too; are they Dalmatians? Are they dogs? Are they cats? Are they anything!? But no, not even a mention, the author just thinks that since he knows who the characters are, you already know who the characters are too. It doesn’t work like that.
You need introduction of characters for new comers in case they don’t know what this is all about
To have characters in a story, we need to know who these characters are.
I mean this is like how it is done in the story.
Clayton came in “Hi” he saidAnd here is how to properly do it
Just then a pup came into the barn, he was about an average size Dalmatian puppy with black ears, three white spots going on the one of his right hand side. While he had one spot shaped like an asterisk on the top of one of his legs, the most distinguished spot was a blob spot on his back which looked like it had arms and legs. This pup was known as Clayton, a quite friendly pup who didn’t really have anything special with him. He spoke up
“Hello.” There, in the second version, we were able to know who the character is, what he is like and so on. Unlike the first version which just has no explanation whatsoever.
Anyway back to the story.
Belchic decides to find out where they are with Joey but then all of a sudden, everyone breaks into a musical number. Why?
I mean, it serves no effect on the story, comes out of no where, it’s ridiculous and it is never refered to ever again.
Yeah, you guessed it; THE BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT!
I mean even the characters in the story even state that it was pointless, so why did the author put it in if he knew it served no use.
So we cut back to Tippy and Lizzie who have gotten into a dark cave and they seems that Fang is in it and they get in trouble.
Meanwhile Belchic and Joey are still on the case but they happen to run into Ember who for some reason knows about Tippy & Lizzie too (for crying out loud, they’re gone for two minutes yet everyone is worried, I get family members who go to the shop without telling me but I don’t panic about them for two minutes. If it was 6 hours maybe but not at least 2 minutes) and then Ember offers to give them a piggy back ride to Fangs cave, My god! Belchic is even saying characters who aren’t even his like Piggy back rides! Not everyone wants to do piggy back rides! Live with it!
So they get to Fangs cave and for some reason, Fang has got Tippy & Lizzie in a cage for reasons I don’t know why as I havn’t seen him discussing to the Heartbreakers yet, but anyway, Fang says he wants to eat the pups, which is kind of sick and making him a Hannibal Lecter as he is eating those of his own kind, Dogs may not be wolves but still closely related, and the fact he is picking on children just makes him a worse villain.
So Belchic escapes, Joey is trapped and Ember has buggered off for no reason before she comes back and flies Belchic to the barn. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Drake say that Ember could NOT fly yet? Either I am missing something here, or the author hasn’t done much research.
Belchic gets back and it seems that he got everyone in with him, here spends half the time calling their name and then answering as if it was a game of “Marco Polo”
And then randomly embark on a rescue.
Back with the captured pups, it seems Roxy has found them, and after saving Joey and giving ANOTHER darn Piggy back ride! She decides to get Belchic & Noggin, why those two? Why not anyone else?
So she gets Belchic and Noggin (who for some reason decided to abandon the others in their rescue party to get more lime light) and it seems that Noggins stupid laser glasses (which ruined the ending to Domina Trix) don’t seem to work (typical) and it seems that there is a hole in the net which the pups could of easily slipped through to escape but it seems Tippy gets her head stuck but soon is freed, but they forget about Lizzie, they then get a pocket knife (great! Characters meant for children using knifes, what can be better!) and then they try to get the net open and they even go and make a joke about over using the totem pole. FINALLY! He has noticed the fact that Totem Poles are not always the solution to everything!
So Lizzie Is free and then go back to the others to which they abandoned and for some reason they talk about random crap that I don’t find interesting but then everyone falls in a hole and only Lucky, Cadpig, Rolly, Spot, Stickdip and Sneezy escape.
Suddenly we get Diana, Rob & Shakila for some reason do a Team Rocket reference and after that Rob & Shakila bugger off and don’t do anything for the rest of the story.
So Stealth wanted a mission with just her, Diana & Emma, yet this plan has already gotten, a caniballistic wolf and Rob along with Shakila who do nothing but a Team Rocket reference. What a load of –Words censored-
So they get Fang in and then the six survivors run back to the barn where it seems that Mario must have been there as they find the letter from “Hotel Mario” there along with a note from Stealth, Diana & Emma saying if they don’t surrender the farm, Fang eats the pups. Now YET AGAIN! The note is in a high place and they decide to do ANOTHER totem pole in this fic to get the note!
One flaw however…how can the pups hand over the farm, they don’t own it, Roger & Anita do. So wouldn’t it make more sense for the Heartbreakers to go after the humans than the pups?
So then the survivors decide to go to my characters, Clayton, Doc & Kendra.
Now at this point, I counted the story as non canon as it says “Clayton was doing maintenance with his GROWTH RAY” Now anyone he has properly read his bio would know that it is Non Cannon hence; doesn’t exist in the proper universe, this is either laziness of authors research or it is non cannon. So I have officially accepted this as Non canon.
Soon they are able to get the help of Kendra and go off to stop Diana.
They then reach Dianas HQ and Fang is getting ready to eat them. Oh boy! This will be an epic fight! Pups vs Wolfs, little ones vs a beast of nature, this fight is sure to kick…What!?
Fang appears to be the ultimate tough, Hannibal like evil however Sneezy just sneezes on him and he drops like a stone!? WHAT IS IT WITH BELCHIC CHARACTERS RUINING THE CLIMAX OF STORIES! First Noggin ruined the ending of “Domina Trix” now this!?
d**n!
Suddenly Kendra comes from nowhere (I am serious. It literally is written, “Nowhere”) and does she do anything to help…nope, she gets Pyro, Flare & Torch to do it for her. Some use she was. And talk about inaccurate characters. Kendra would want to kick ass if she felt it was the right thing to do, but here, she does nothing.
So anyway the pups win the band 101 RPM perform and they all live happily ever after…OR DO THEY!?
It seems that Diana & Emma are planning something using the RPM music while Stealth stands around doing nothing and looks cool…
And that’s pretty much it.
Now put altogether. This story is just silly, it does nothing but give tv/ movie references, shows how little the author researched on characters and how he glorifies his own, it is also filled with plot holes with errors, not explaining anything And gives us those god forsaken Totem Towers and Piggy back rides.
Look, I am not trying to be offensive here, I am only giving constructive criticism. If you want a story to be good, you need the following things.
An interest in other characters outside your own and use them more
Explaining what the characters are like
Research of the characters
A good plot
Less references, it is ok to make a few references here and there, but they don’t really have to dominate the plot.
And less Piggy backs, totem poles, Trench Coats and more interest in what other people like.
And lastly, real narrative text. Not a cheap script format which even a 4 year old can do.
All these things you need to have to make it a good story. I mean look at Trey Vores stories, he includes a lot of characters, even asks the creators for a small bio about them, little references, and takes more than his own interests into account and is able to find a way to use the script format.
For Race, he includes everyones characters as well as doing research which even the creators long forgotten, sometimes his own characters aren’t even the stars, he used really narrative text, took EVERYONES interests in it and not just his own. And even the references are kept down to a point where they don’t upstage the plot.
Also I noticed that this story was called “Stealths Lament” However the story focused little on Stealth, not giving her side of the story, no character development, she doesn’t even give redeeming qualities, all we got were how great Belchics hero characters are an how evil this new Fang is who doesn’t really seem a good villain from the start.
But overall, while the first two chapters are still ok, as soon as we were introduced to the heroes, the story went downhill and we got nothing but pointless references, Big Lipped Aligator Moments and Character Glorifying.
Note to author, if you want to make a good story, just remember to follow the tips I gave and how all the other good authors do their work and you can be a good author too.
Your work does have potential, and with these tips you can make them good.
The story isn’t the best in the world, but it could be worse. And is at least worth 1 read through.
This is Babclayman reviews
See ya
Note: If you have been offended by anything i say in this review. I deeply apolgize. It is nothing personal against you.