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Post by Raine Dearly on May 18, 2018 10:57:51 GMT -5
It's a beautiful day in the town of London and two ladies are on a mission to save a science lab from completely blowing themselves up and sending a gas to the whole of London so everyone will suffer and get very sick. One is a girl with black and white hair and a black swat top on carrying a silenced hand gun name Vindella, the other is a blonde girl with brown eyes and wearing a camouflage army uniform her name is Penny and she is carrying a code cracker which can open safes and locked doors. They both work for London PD and are the best two on team. They both have grapples, stunners, detonators, lasers and darts. They also have walky-talkys
" Penny are you ready to do this, we may be caught and I hope you remembered to bring the code crackers." Vindella said.
Penny showed the cracker in her hand and said " Ready when you are Vin and you know with our friendship so strong that will help us in here."
" You are so right, ok let's go ill go in from the front and you come from the roof." Vindella said pulling out her gun and heading in.
Meanwhile Penny used her grapple to get to the roof once there, she tied her hair to a ponytail and went inside the vent. " Vin I'm inside the vent where are you? " she said in her walky-talky.
Vindella replied " in the lab area heading to the vent where I will meet you ." Meanwhile she killed two scientists and two henchmen.
Penny soon made it to the vent Vindella was at and noticed the two scientists dead and was suspicious.
Vindella said " Oh sorry these guys did it and so I took them out."
Penny gave the nod of approval and they moved on.
Penny then noticed the place they needed to go was locked and so she the code cracker to open it meanwhile she gave the look to Vindella to kill the people here.
So Vindella killed them all.
Eventually the door opened and they went in
It was a door of barrels.
Vindella said" We need to put a mine on each of them and I'll send the message to the master to detonate once all are on. Set the time for 5 minutes and close the doors so the explosion remains in here an nowhere else."
Penny did that and while she did that Vindella shot her with a sleepy dart and reported to the master to blowup the place. Vindella left the place and Penny was laying in the place on her back. The Master set the detonator off and Penny had 5 minutes to wake up and get out of the lab.
Will she get out or will she be blown up?
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Post by Tac Attack Jack on May 18, 2018 11:48:26 GMT -5
It's a beautiful day in town of London and two ladies are on a mission to save a science lab from completely blowing themselves up and sending a gas to the whole of London so everyone will suffer and get very sick.
Your first sentence is a run-on sentence and is missing the word 'The' in the town of London. Try a bit harder with editing.
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 18, 2018 20:44:53 GMT -5
Penny wakes up and she realises the mines have been set off and Vindella has disappeared, she looks at the mine and it is 10 seconds before it explodes, she darts for the exit and gets out just in time before it blows up. She is exhausted from that and is also confused as to where Vindella is and why she decided to run away.
She looks around the place and Vindella is nowhere to be found. Penny decides to head back to the Master headquarters. Once she gets there she has a chat to the master.
" Master do you know of Vindella's whereabouts? One minute she with me and doing the mission with me and the next she disappeared." Penny said.
" I thought she was with you she must be in the science lab and maybe you didn't see her. " Master said.
" Master I hate to bring this to your attention but she shot me and told you to set the mines off, because I think she tried to kill me." Penny said.
" Vindella kill you? Impossible, she and you are good friends and the best on this team. Why would she try to kill you?" Master said.
" Don't know sir but yeah." Penny said.
" Anyway forget about Vindella for now, I'm assigning you a new mission, go to the town hall control room, there is something you need to get for us it's a card that will set off an emp that will destroy all electronic stuff and kill people surrounding it. Okay go now and good luck. " Master said.
Meanwhile Vindella heard all of this on her phone that she never hung up on the master until now. She pulled a cab driver out of the car and stole it and dashed towards town hall control room.
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Post by Lucky on May 19, 2018 23:37:55 GMT -5
Looks good, but as I said in the PM with you, be descriptive.
1. what's in the Master's Office? 2. What could The Master have on the desk? 3. Is Penny sitting down or standing up? 4. Where was Vendella when she heard all of this conversation?
It would make the imagination that the person is having last longer when reading this story.
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Post by Tic-Tac on May 20, 2018 1:14:41 GMT -5
leaves a lot to be desired.
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 20, 2018 8:07:49 GMT -5
Okay I'll keep that in mind
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 20, 2018 8:33:07 GMT -5
As Penny walked out of the room she stood in front of the desk where the master was sitting and said " Sir I need a weapon. "
The Master said " Ahhh okay well I do have a few things to show you." He got up and opened his draw which was a button that opened another room full of guns and they both went in. "
" Penny here are your weapons a wolfram P2K and a silencer as well as a pp7 and finally a gun built of a gold lighter, cigarette and pencil, this gun can only carry a bullet at a time so use it wisely. Okay I believe you are ready to go and good luck see you around. " He said going back to his desk, sitting down and closing the doors full of guns.
Penny walked out of the headquarters and headed to town hall centre, where she saw guys with Balaclavas on and sub machine guns. She began to get suspicious.
Meanwhile Vindella had reached Town hall centre and shot the cops and civilians that would witness her plans. There were more of the balaclava guys next to her. She walked in a room where there was a guard there guarding the card the master was referring to and she knocked him out. When she got out, Penny had her gun point and she said " Hello Vindella."
" Penny I was just getting it and giving it to the master to look at. He told me about this mission weeks ago and I failed to tell you and I'm sorry." Vindella said.
" Yeah that it is like saying I'm the queen of England. Okay if he told you about this why did you shoot and LEAVE ME TO DIE IN THE SCIENCE LAB YOU COULD TOLD ME TO GO BACK TO THE HEADQUARTERS THE MASTER HAS ASSIGNED ME TO DO THIS MISSION BUT NOOOOO YOU HAD TO ALMOST KILL ME." Penny said.
" You are right you are so right, guys kill me for Penny." Vindella said to the guys with the balaclavas on.
So they took Vindella's silenced gun and shot Vindella and ran away. Penny was stunned and the cops so her and arrested Penny and took her to the police station where she was put behind bars for 12 years. But she got the card of Vindella where in her prison cell she was sitting on the bed playing with the card in her hands and it said EMP starter. Penny was in tears as well as she witnessed the death of Vindella.
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 23, 2018 9:30:10 GMT -5
Penny's prison cell opens and the guard says you're free to go sorry for the misunderstanding. As Penny walks to the front of the jail the master is standing who is believed to her to have paid for Penny to be out of jail.
They leave the jail and are in the Master's car and he said" What happened how did Vindella die?"
Penny replied "Some guy who appeared to be hunting or helping her shot her." Penny had a stared at the window and asked the Master " Sir I am finding it difficult to understand what is going on with her and when did you give her the town centre mission? "
The Master said" Well I never sent her to do it. I sent you to do that case, massive mistake on my part but yeah. "
"Now she is dead and people will blame me for it and for what?" Penny said.
" Don't know Penny, I couldn't help you there. But anyway I have new mission for you. It will require travelling you must head to Cuba and find the leader of the guys you saw. Did they have Balaclavas on and SMGs?" The Master said.
" Yes they did why? " Penny said.
" Well there agent is there and Master Mordvel." The Master said,
" Well who is the agent?" Penny said " Brocikov." The Master said.
" Well good maybe they can give me answers as to what is going on. But before I go I want to talk to Pepper." Penny said.
" Yeap to get you your stuff absolutely, she'll print your tickets." The Master said.
They got to the place Pepper was at which was a lab of the Master, Penny got out of the car and The Master drove off and she went to see Pepper.
Penny saw Pepper in the lab and she went up to her and said "hey there Pepper, what up?"
Pepper said. "Penny ahh thank you for coming I have to give you a few things as the Master has informed me of your mission in Cuba which I will be honest will be a tough one that's for sure. "
Penny said " Okay so show me the stuff."
Pepper showed her the car she'll be getting " Well this is a Lamborghini hot pink colour, tough as a tank and fast like an aeroplane, pretty much the perfect car. Over here is a ball will a red button and green. If a press the red and throw it, it creates a shield so no bullets can break in, to stop the shield simply press the red button. The green button creates an automatic turret, this bad boy will stick to anything you throw the ball on, explosive missiles, your car will adjust for machine gun and missiles and it will shoot anything you want it to by the settings in your car. Now these are your gadgets and your tickets to Havana Cuba." she said.
Penny said " Okay thank you."
Pepper said " Penny look after yourself and have a safe trip."
They hugged and Pepper went to work her next project and Penny is off to Cuba and is in the plane.
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Post by Tic-Tac on May 26, 2018 9:46:22 GMT -5
Do you want to be a better author? I can help...
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 26, 2018 11:01:32 GMT -5
Yeah sure
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 26, 2018 11:48:46 GMT -5
Penny arrived in Cuba and she had to find Master Mordvel and Brocikov. She checked in to a hotel there and got to her room.
Once she got in her room she got her gadgets ready and was off to finding the two people.
It was night now and she went to a bar in her hotel and asked the bar man p "Hey have heard of a two people Mordvel and Brocikov?" The Bar man replied " Hmm they are only the biggest names here in Havana. They help bringing money to the people and keeping intruders off here. Oh but they are also stubborn and that you must follow their law."
" What happens if you don't?" Penny said.
" Death, they have given us money and protection but no peace, no happiness, why did you ask?" The bar man said.
" I wish to speak with them. I may be able to give peace to Cuba. " Penny said.
" Sure wait for me in the car." The Bar man said.
Once they got in the car they had a long conversation about work and stuff.
" So what is your name? " Penny said.
" Jacob Larry is the name. I used to have girlfriend or a crush on a girl but never came to be." He said.
" Who is this girl you speak of?" Penny said.
" Melanie Bonanza" Jacob said.
" Wait I know her and unfortunately for you she is married to my brother." Penny said.
" Oh well, okay so this the place. Go in to the garden through the hedge maze and you'll find them. " Jacob said.
Penny said " Well thank you wish me luck." She got out of the car and got out her gun.
She walked into the garden and looked everywhere for the two people. She looked at a pavement and it read Mordvel hq.
Suddenly out of nowhere someone said. " Hello Penny."
Penny was scared as she could see a body walking towards her but couldn't see the face until it came to the light and it reveal to be Vindella.
" What the." Penny said dropping the gun in shock.
Vindella smiled at her." Surprised to see me here."
Penny said " You don't think huh? I SAW YOU GET SHOT RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES AND I SPEND A DAY IN JAIL I WOULD HAVE SPEND MORE IF IT WASNT FOR THE MASTER AND HERE YOU ARE LAUGHING THINKING THIS IS A JOKE!"
Vindella said " My dear Penny relax, I got shot right? Cap gun and the blood was tomato sauce. Yes I am Mordvel I am the leader of of this Cuban area. "
Penny said" Wow ok why did you not tell me this until now, why do you seem so relaxed?"
Vindella said" Because of the Master, I want you on my team, if I told you this before he would have found out and we would be both in trouble. That's why I shot you to be fired and to get you off their case so no one was monitoring us. My part succeeded what about yourself?"
Penny said " Well no I'm still with the Master, one more question if you are Mordvel, who is Brocikov?"
Vindella said" I'll that in a minute but first Penny I must ask you why don't you join us on our mission, you like giving back to the poor and protecting one nation? "
Penny said " Yes but not controlling them."
Vindella said " it's not controlling it's a stern warning to them. Come on Penny for me join me. "
Penny said " answer my question first who is Brocikov?"
Vindella said " she is behind you, last time last offer Penny."
Penny said " I can't sorry."
Vindella said" Very well you are very weak minded and soft towards everyone. You wanted to who Brocikov is? Turn around. "
Brocikov punched Penny in the face and dragged her next to the ocean. Brocikov turned out to be Ivy.
" Hey Penny here is another chance to join. Choose wisely this time Penny Okay?" Vindella said.
Vindella said to Ivy " Dump her in."
Ivy through her in the ocean and let out the sharks.
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Post by Tac-Smack on May 28, 2018 10:32:44 GMT -5
Ivy through her in the ocean and let out the sharks.
"Threw" not "Through" Lord have mercy, take a few minutes and EDIT your work if you want people to read it. Half-assed writing is not very presentable and if you can't be arsed to edit decently, what makes you think anyone will want to read it. Good writing requires effort, so show a little.
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Post by babclayman on May 28, 2018 13:23:12 GMT -5
When I look at the recent Chapter, there is a lot of; "One Said, Two Said, One Said, Two Said".
Considering that you use "Penny or Vendella Said", twelve times in a row, twice, it comes across more like a script than a Story. Trying using more dialogue tags, when in a conversation.
Like, if they are shocked, they could be like; "What is that!?" One Gasped. Or, if they are asking a question; "Who is Three!?" Two asks.
You understand, what I mean, Raine?
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Post by Lucky on May 28, 2018 15:57:01 GMT -5
I have to agree with Tac and Bab, Raine, be sure to reread your work to make sure there isn't any spellchecks or errors, or find someone you can trust to beta read it for you. That way they can point out the spellchecks and errors for you so you can rework the story. You're doing good so far, but that's why I said you need to make a descriptive of what they are doing.
The Bar man replied " Hmm they are only the biggest names here in Havana. They help bringing money to the people and keeping intruders off here. Oh but they are also stubborn and that you must follow their law."
" What happens if you don't?" Penny said.
" Death, they have given us money and protection but no peace, no happiness, why did you ask?" The bar man said.
" I wish to speak with them. I may be able to give peace to Cuba. " Penny said.
" Sure wait for me in the car." The Bar man said.
Once they got in the car they had a long conversation about work and stuff.
" So what is your name? " Penny said.
" Jacob Larry is the name. I used to have girlfriend or a crush on a girl but never came to be." He said.
" Who is this girl you speak of?" Penny said.
" Melanie Bonanza" Jacob said.
" Wait I know her and unfortunately for you she is married to my brother." Penny said.
" Oh well, okay so this the place. Go in to the garden through the hedge maze and you'll find them. " Jacob said.
Penny said " Well thank you wish me luck." She got out of the car and got out her gun.
When it should go like this.
The Bar man replied " Hmm they are only the biggest names here in Havana. They help bring in money to the people and keep intruders out of here. Oh but they are also stubborn and that you must follow their law."
"What happens if you don't?" Penny said, it was clear that she was curious.
"Death, they have given us money and protection but no peace, no happiness." The bar man replied. "Why did you ask?"
"I wish to speak with them. I may be able to give peace to Cuba. " Penny said.
"Sure wait for me in the car." The Bar man said.
Once they made it to the car, they got in the car and had a long conversation about work, the intruders, etc.
Penny looked at the bar tender, she was curious of what his name was. "So what is your name?" She asked.
"Jacob Larry is the name. I used to have girlfriend or a crush on a girl but never came to be." Jacob replied. "Who is this girl you speak of?" Penny asked. "Melanie Bonanza" Jacob replied.
Penny didn't waste a second thought, she knew exactly who Jacob was talking about. "Wait, I know her and unfortunately for you she is married to my brother." She spoke.
After about four or five blocks, Jacob knew exactly where they were. "Oh well, okay so this the place. Go in to the garden through the hedge maze and you'll find them. " Jacob suggested.
Penny said " Well, thank you, wish me luck." She got out of the car and got out her gun from her holster.
See how descriptive that was? I'm not asking you to replace that part with what I wrote, this is just an example, like I said before, describe what you see,
What does Jacob look like? How far did they have to go?
These questions you do have to ask yourself, also when someone asks a question, it's not a statement. XD You have to do this. "What's your name?" Penny asked.
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Post by Raine Dearly on May 29, 2018 3:15:19 GMT -5
Penny is struggling in the water with the shark, which happened to be a pool of water and the Shark was caged for a while. She was looking for a ladder to out of the pool. She found one but one of Vindella's henchmen was sawing the ladder off as he was almost done, someone pushed him into pool and pulled Penny out, who was struggling to breathe.
When Penny saw who it was she was shocked "Melanie what? Wait what are you doing here?"
Melanie was wearing a black latex suit with gloves on and she was about to answer Penny when she saw the guy struggling to get out of the pool. " Wait. " she said to her.
Melanie went to the guy and kicked him back in the pool and sawed off the ladder. As there was no escape, Melanie said " Eat my boy breakfast is served. " the guy was eaten.
Melanie went back to Penny and Penny said to her more forcefully " Hey what are you doing here?"
Melanie replied " Do you want to join him, cause I can easily arrange that. I'm here because Jacob called me, he said you were in trouble. Once you're of Melanie's you're always a friend and you never say no or question their actions."
Penny said " Wait Jacob the bar man with a blue and pink mowhawk. Dressed in a black latex suit like you? I thought you were married to Raine?"
Melanie rolled her eyes and said" I am married to Raine and he is here to come out."
Raine walked from behind Melanie almost bald wearing the same latex outfit.
" So the choice is up to you, if you want us to go fine, but Vindella is plotting something big huge, and do you think you can do this on your own?" Melanie said.
Meanwhile Vindella and Ivy made it to the Cuban airport. Ivy asked Vindella " So what do we do now? "
Vindella replied " Well I want you to go to the Cuban control room , I'll go to my Masters headquarters and ask for some assistance. I want you to go to control room and eliminate all civilians."
" Why what is in that control room, that is so special?" Ivy said.
" Oh it's not just what is in the control room, it is the control room, think of it as the world's biggest ATM, I'll get some assistance to set the emp on to every since thing that has money, they'll blow up and I'll swipe it with this card. Think about Ivy King Solomon the wisest man who ever lived, Mordvel and Brocikov the richest. " Vindella said.
Ivy went to the control room and Vindella went on a plane to London.
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