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Post by Two-Tone on Sept 23, 2007 4:17:53 GMT -5
*blinks* did me and Tac just agree on somethi.............. *shakes head* nah! *pushes large mine cart out of diamond mine which is loaded to the brim with diamonds* you know what they say, diamonds are a girl's best friend
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 24, 2007 18:40:11 GMT -5
New episode! Take a look! ^^
See ya!
X.X
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 26, 2007 15:36:42 GMT -5
Episode 4 online! (Tac, can you add me in your MSN please?)
See ya!
X.X
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Post by cadpig10123 on Sept 26, 2007 20:39:47 GMT -5
if you get a chance plz put ryan in there
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 26, 2007 21:18:21 GMT -5
I don't know if I gonna put created charactes, btw, what do you think about the fanfic?
See ya!
X.X
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Post by Belchic on Sept 27, 2007 0:16:08 GMT -5
It's kinda hard to read. I'm assuming that English is a second language to you, but if that is so, I applaud you for doing your best. Nice work, lucklydog.
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 27, 2007 12:11:29 GMT -5
Oh, yeah, English is my second language, some times I mess the words, but, what are the parts you are having dificult reading? You can help me correcting some errors, if you want See ya! X.X
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Post by Belchic on Sept 27, 2007 16:17:56 GMT -5
Well, I've never been really good at helping ESL people, but I'm sure there are other people on here who can help you better than I can.
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 27, 2007 16:40:45 GMT -5
Ok, thx, but can't show where you haved trouble in the reading?
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Post by cadpig10123 on Sept 27, 2007 21:14:28 GMT -5
luv ur ff it awesome
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Post by LuckyBolt on Sept 29, 2007 20:19:09 GMT -5
New episode on FA and here =D Take a look ^^
See ya!
X.X
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Post by Tic-Tac on Oct 2, 2007 20:05:19 GMT -5
Look, I'm gonna break it down for ya. Story's need three things. One, it needs a plot. Two, it needs characters. Three, it needs settings. I know English isn't your first language but there are character, lucky cadpig and rolly, but no plot or setting. I mean, suddenly their in a diamond mine? Suddenly, Horace is there with a drill? Add a little bit of coherence to the mix, and you might be onto something there.
I'm tryin' ta help you, so don't get me wrong, lemme just see if I can't quite point out what I'm talking about.
The pups start looking in the Swamp for a shelter, the weather was a little cold. Ok, lets start at the beginning. They're in a swamp? Why? Why are they in the swamp? They have a farm to live at and a barn to sleep in. There needs to be a plot for them to be in the swamp in the first place. - Oh man, this is hard; there isn’t a good place for us. Rolly said. - This place it’s so dirty! Cadpig said looking for a big thingyroach running on the ground. - We never will do that! Rolly shouted falling on the ground. - Come’ on Rolly, if we work together we can bet this trial! Lucky shouted raising the friend fighting spirit. - Lucky is right, don’t worry! Spot said. - Okay, let’s find some food! Rolly said. - Yeah, hey! Look there! Lucky said pointing to a big hole. Ok, you're going to have to give us a little setting mate. There's a big hole? In the middle of the swamp? Is it a sink hole? A hole in the bank? Just a large black hole sitting in the middle of space?
- We can enter in that? Cadpig asked quite suspicious. - Well, in my calculations this is too small for us. Spot said with a calculator in her hands. - Oh, come on, we can enter in that thing! Lucky said, the pups start to enter in the small hole, but something know their butts, and they run outside of the small hole, a mole appear in the hole shouting. - Not that one, it’s too small. Rolly said. - Look! There! Pointed Spot to a bunch of stones, and wood. - We can use that to make our shelter. Cadpig said. - We need some ropes, little stones and branches to make fire. Spot said with a Trip Book in her hands. - I look for Rope! Rolly said. - I look for branches! Cadpig said. - I look for little stones! Lucky said. They start to run looking for what Spot request, Spot sit on the ground and see a little river near the future Shelter, she was too tired. - Why not I take a nap? She said for herself and closes her eyes. - Here it’s Spot! Said Cadpig with Rolly and Lucky behind her, but Spot she isn’t in the Shelter. - Spot? Rolly asked. - She isn’t there. Lucky said looking for Spot. - So delicious. A strange female voice said, like a Snake voice. - Oh, this is no good… Cadpig said looking above. - SPOT! They shouted looking for a big green snake with Spot in his stomach, she look for the pups and smile and charge in attack, the pups jumped and jump in the snakes stomach making she split Spot. - Oh, thanks guys! Said Spot removing the Snake’s dribble, the Snake rush in a ferocious attack, Spot only hit her face with the nose, and the Snake fall into the ground. - Great Spot! Lucky said. - There is food in that tree, there are apples! Rolly shouted pointing to the tree. The rest of the day was quite good to the pups; they do the shelter very easy, and night wasn’t much cold and they eaten and sleeps very well, in the morning Pug appear in the encampment with a very angry face with Colonel. - Good morning sir. Lucky said very lazy. - So, Pug makes you to sleep all the night in this swamp? Colonel asked moving one of his eyebrows. - Yeah, but it was pretty easy. Rolly said. - For you! Spot shouted. - Congratulations, so the encampment it’s easy to do? Colonel asked. - Yes Colonel, very easy when all work together and our best. Cadpig said with a big smile. - I see, so Pug, you like to make some hardcore trainings no? I have a special task for you. Colonel said. - CATSSS!!! Pug shouted in the show window of Cruella’s Cat Shop, Pug was surrounded by a lot of cats.
Yeeeeeeah, I kinda read through this. I see where you were going with this. So, lemme... Structure. Your episodes lack structure and coherence. If you want to write episodes, you're gonna wanna have those. Now Structure, is the basic outline of the story. The puppies were charged with surviving the night in the swamp. The way you've structured this story, I had no idea what was going on. Not in the sense there was an alluring sense of mystery, but I was simply lost and confused throughout the entire story. Lack of description and no linking one scene to the next helped with that. Coherence means stuff has to make sense. If you can see it in your head, that's good, but we can't quite see that, so you'll have to set up a scene so we can understand what you mean.
- SPOT! They shouted looking for a big green snake with Spot in his stomach, she look for the pups and smile and charge in attack, the pups jumped and jump in the snakes stomach making she split Spot. - Oh, thanks guys! Said Spot removing the Snake’s dribble, the Snake rush in a ferocious attack, Spot only hit her face with the nose, and the Snake fall into the ground. - Great Spot! Lucky said. - There is food in that tree, there are apples! Rolly shouted pointing to the tree.
That doesn't make any sense at all. They are in a swamp, and spot takes a nap. Ok, I can't quite see that, but I can pretend. Then, Spot gets eaten by a snake. Alllllright, that's...doable...then the pups ...what? I have no idea what on earth your trying to tell us here. The pups jumped up and jumped in the snake's stomach? Making them split spot? What? What on earth do you mean? Then the snake attacks again, only spot hits her in the nose with her face? And suddenly, they are eating apples? Coherence mate. After having defeated the snake, the puppes ran off to find another place to lay down. Rolly's nose, powerful as it was, picked up the scent of apples and lead them to an apple tree...cause...cause there are apple trees that grow in swamps now...I guess...
Anyway, just remember coherence, description, plot, settings, and characters, and your set! =D
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Post by LuckyBolt on Oct 3, 2007 19:06:58 GMT -5
Yeah,. I don't why I writed in that poor way, Thanks for the help ,the new Episode have what you are wanting ^^ See ya! X.X
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Post by LuckyBolt on Oct 7, 2007 18:36:49 GMT -5
I will upload my next episode only tomorrow.
See ya!
X.X
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Post by LuckyBolt on Oct 10, 2007 18:53:45 GMT -5
New episode
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