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Post by Trey_Vore on Oct 25, 2008 16:39:51 GMT -5
Okay, good so far, but there are a few plotholes.
At first, it's Stealth wanting to do another "original 3" type mission. Now all of a sudden, Diana is there, but Rob and Shakila appear as part of it? Emma and Stealth might still be active, but if the theme is to have another "original 3" mission, why would Rob and Shakila suddenly appear, beyond the joke?
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Post by babclayman on Oct 26, 2008 3:46:00 GMT -5
there are a few plotholes. At first, it's Stealth wanting to do another "original 3" type mission. Now all of a sudden, Diana is there, but Rob and Shakila appear as part of it? Emma and Stealth might still be active, but if the theme is to have another "original 3" mission, why would Rob and Shakila suddenly appear, beyond the joke? Yeah, it's what i said from at chapter 2. Stealth at first wanted the Heartbreakers to be the "Original 3" and yet in Chapter 2, She was the one who suggested of letting Fang join. Yup, gotta lot of work to do before you yourself, consider this a fic, especially with my characters yet again, I mean come on, Shakila saying something like "Meow, that's right" wont happen at all, not in a hundred years. I think the reason Belchic did that was for the sake of the Pokemon reference, due to her being a cat --- Not going against anyone here though.
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Post by Belchic on Oct 27, 2008 1:46:07 GMT -5
She wasn't really wanting Fang to join, for say; she just thought maybe they could "use" him.
Anyway, babclayman, I think you might like this next chapter.
Chapter 8:
---
The six survivors ran back into the barn.
Lucky: Oh, great! We've lost everybody else...again!
Cadpig: Some leader you're turning out to be, Luckless.
Stickdip then discovered a note bolted onto the wall. He nudged Sneezy and pointed it out.
Sneezy: Hey, guys. There's a note up there.
Cadpig: Really? What's it say?
Lucky went up to it.
Lucky: Hmm. It's kind of out of my range. Spot, do you think you can fly up there and get that note down for me?
Spot: *sigh* My arms are too pooped from all that exercise.
Lucky: No problem. We have other methods. Ready, troops?
Rolly/Cadpig: Ready!
Cadpig jumped on top of Rolly, and Lucky jumped on top of Cadpig. Lucky took the note down.
Sneezy: What's it say, Lucky?
Lucky then began to read the note.
Lucky: "Dear Pesky Plumbers. The Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa Hotels. I dare you to find her if you can." Wait a minute...*flips note over* I think I was reading the wrong side. It says, "Dear Surviving Pups. The rest of your puppy amigos are about to become wolf food. If you want me to let them go, you must surrender the farm. Otherwise, your friends will all have to pay the price! The choice is your's. With love, Diana, Emma and Stealth!"
The pups broke their totem.
Lucky: We're not going to let those Heartbreakers get away with this! I say we run back there and save them! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going back there! You guys are free to help me if you want.
Cadpig: I'm with you, Lucky! I'd never let you down!
Sneezy: I'm coming too!
Stickdip: Mm-hmm.
Spot: Well, count me out! I'm not going to risk my life and try not to get eaten by a wolf! It's bad enough that I have an alligator on my nerves, so you guys are on your own!
Spot left.
Rolly: Uh...I think I'd better stay with her. She may need some company.
Lucky: Oh no you don't, Rolly! I'm not going to let you back out on me this time! We're going to need all the help we can get!
Rolly: What's in it for me?
Lucky: We'll have a special dinner afterwards!
Rolly: Oh, papa! Count me in!
Lucky: *laughs to Stickdip* That works everytime! Rolly would do anything for food.
Stickdip: Rolly sure is a food hound, isn't he?
Cadpig: Are you kidding? His stomach is like a garbage disposal! Not even the food at Northwoods Inn would keep him down.
*Cut to flashback*
*Rolly is just finishing up devouring a big plate of food.*
Rolly: Who's up for thirds!
*Lucky and Cadpig are on the other side of the table with severe stomach aches.*
Lucky: Ugh...Thirds?
Cadpig: I haven't even finished my first.
*End of flashback*
Lucky: Since Spot backed out, we're going to need to find some kind of reinforcement to replace her. Come on.
The pups went around the barn quickly to see if they could find someone else who can help them. They thought of three possibilities. First, they went to Clayton. Clayton was busy doing some maintainance on his growth ray and couldn't be disturbed. Next, they went to Doc. Doc was in front of the TV watching "Doctor Who", and nobody interupts Doc when he's watching his favorite TV show. Then, they found Kendra reading a book.
Lucky: Hey, Kendra?
Kendra: Yes?
Lucky: We have a diabolical situation. A lot of our friends have been captured and are about to be eaten by a wolf!
Cadpig: What Lucky means is, we are looking for some reinfocements to aid in our assistance to retrieving the missing remainder of our family. In other words...can you help us?
Kendra: Sure. I can help you.
Lucky: Great! Let's go!
So off they went. Meanwhile, Diana was watching the whole thing.
Diana: Everything seems to be going according to plan. Just like old times, eh, Stealth? Oh, I forgot, you never smile.
Emma: That was kind of cool how you, Rob and Shakila did that motto after you trapped those doggies.
Diana: Yeah, but afterwards, Shakila got mad at me for making her say that stupid line.
Emma: Did she scratch you?
Diana revealed her face to Emma showing scratch marks.
Diana: What do you think?
Stealth: Not so fast. There are six pups who got away, and they're coming back to save their friends.
Diana: Don't worry. They'll never make it in time!
---
To be continued...
Getting suspensful now, huh? I've only got two more chapters to go. Hope you guys are enjoying it for the most part.
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Post by Tic-Tac on Oct 27, 2008 2:00:12 GMT -5
There is no suspense. Or setting. Or characterization. Or plot. Or coherence, or anything that resembles a fanfic. This is more like a fan-script. And it makes Tic-Tac tearful.
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Post by babclayman on Oct 27, 2008 2:42:50 GMT -5
I must admit you got my characters pretty accurate. And Kendra would come to an advantage too, her being sister to a Heartbreaker afterall This does have the properties to be a good fic However, one thing you can improve on is using paragraphs and sentences as the format of writing, instead of writing it in script format.
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Post by Belchic on Oct 29, 2008 1:08:22 GMT -5
Chapter 9 (this is going to be kind of a long chapter):
---
Back at Fang's den, the fearful animals were all being held hostage as Fang was preparing for his big meal.
Noggin: Well, everyone. It looks like this is the end. By the looks of things here, and judging by how many of us there are here, we will never see our home again.
Belchic: Never?
Noggin: Never.
Belchic: Never?
Noggin: Never.
Belchic: Never?
Noggin: Never.
Belchic: Never?
Noggin: Shut up!
Tippy: Well, at least we'll all die together.
Joey: All except for Lucky, Rolly and Cadpig.
Roxy: Ah, I'm not too worried. I'm willing to bet they're on their way right now.
It just so happened they were. Just a minute later, Lucky, Cadpig and Rolly were sneaking around disguised as a bush.
Lucky: *whispering* Now, we'll need a plan to get them out of there.
Cadpig: *whispering* Where'd Sneezy, Stickdip and Kendra go?
Rolly: *whispering* I thought they were behind us.
Little did they know, Stickdip and Sneezy were actually way ahead of them. They had gotten to Fang's territory well in advance. The main pups found them, but they still had no idea where Kendra was.
Stickdip: *whispering* Get down!
Fang had just exited his cave with a big gourmet plate.
Fang: This'll be the biggest meal I had in weeks! What a day this has been. I oughta thank that gal plenty after I eat!
Fang then unlocked the cage the trapped animals were in. Since their arms and legs were tied up, they couldn't escape. Fang poured them onto his giant plate. Back behind the rock, Stickdip and Sneezy were silently freaking out wondering what they could do. Suddenly, Sneezy started building up a sneeze, but Stickdip jumped on top of her and blocked her nose just in time.
Stickdip: *whispering* Don't sneeze, Sneezy! You'll blow our cover!
Sneezy: *whispering* Ahh...Thanks.
Cadpig: *whispering* Psst! Stickdip?
Stickdip looked behind him to see Lucky, Cadpig and Rolly. Cadpig clapped her paws together to deliver a message to Stickdip in morse code. Understanding what she said, he tickled Sneezy's nose and quickly jumped off her so that she could let out a big one.
Sneezy: Ach-ach-ah-ch-ch-ch-ah-ch-Aaaah...CHOOOO!!!
Sneezy's sneeze was so powerful that just at the very last second, it blew Fang away into the swamp. Afterwards, Steven jumped out to snap at Fang chasing him away. All the pups turned around and saw Sneezy looking a little embarrassed.
Pups: Gesundheit.
Sneezy: Thank you.
They all came down and unleashed the others.
Lucky: Okay, now it's time for us all to get out of here for sure!
Voice: Not so fast!
Lurking out from Fang's cave came Diana.
Diana: Do you really think I would let you puppies win that easily?
Emma came out from the cave.
Emma: You may have chased away our new guardian, but the war is not over yet!
Dakota: Yeah? What are you going to do about it?
Noggin: Really, is that the best you could come up with? Having us get eaten by some wolf?
Then, Stealth came out from the cave.
Stealth: Let's fight now, and ask questions later.
Noggin: Bring it on!
Lucky: We've taken you out once before!
Cadpig: We can do it again!
Stealth: The battle will begin now.
Diana: Sick 'em, Stealth!
Stealth sprung into action. The heroes did all they could to take on Stealth, but once again, they all seemed powerless. The fighting went on for quite a while, until eventually, everyone was too pooped to fight.
Stealth: Another job well done, eh?
Diana: Ha! This is so just like old times, Stealth!
Emma: Stealth! Your tail is on fire!
Having no fear, Stealth immediately dropped on the ground and rolled off the flame.
Diana: Now, where did that come from?
Suddenly, flames came in from the sky. The Heartbreakers looked up and saw four colorful figures. It was the four dragons: Pyro, Ember, Torch and Flare.
Torch: Yeah, man! This is smoking!
Diana and Emma ran for cover while Stealth just stood ground.
Diana: See? This is why I like Stealth a lot.
Lucky: Where'd you guys come from?
Just then, Kendra appeared from nowhere.
Kendra: I thought maybe they could lend us a hand.
Belchic: See? This is why I like Kendra. Ooh! Take that, Diana! In your face!
Tippy: Save the cheering for after the battle, Belchy.
Stealth continued to fight the dragons never tiring. The dragons did all they could, but she couldn't seem to give up. Flare then decided that they should fly up above since Stealth couldn't reach that high. However, finding out that Pyro and Ember couldn't fly, Torch and Flare grabbed them and took them up with them. Stealth jumped as high as she could to get up to them as they kept blasting flames down on her, but eventually, she decided to surrender.
Stealth: Okay, I give. You pups may have won this round, but we'll be back! And next time, I will not lose!
With that said, she went back with Diana and Emma, who praised her for her performance as they all returned to their headquarters.
Torch: Yeah! We got 'em good!
Flare: Everyone alright?
Rolly: Hey, thanks for the save, you guys.
Pyro: No problem.
Ember: Kendra, that whole thing was cool and all, but please, don't ever make me do that again.
Belchic: Higgity hack! Cut me some slack!
Tippy high-fived Belchic.
Cadpig: We should celebrate this victory!
Lucky: And I know just what we're going to do too. Everyone meet back at the barn tonight. We've got something special for you all.
---
To be continued...
The final chapter should be up on Thursday night.
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Post by LoneWanderer Raiden on Oct 29, 2008 2:01:41 GMT -5
As much as I agree with Bab on the whole format thing... some people just have a different style of writing. *shrugs*
Nevertheless, great work, Belchic. Can't wait for the last chapter. ^^
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 13:14:05 GMT -5
I like this style of writeong
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Post by Belchic on Oct 30, 2008 13:54:34 GMT -5
The final chapter is here, guys! Chapter 10: --- That night at Dearly Farm, it seemed that a big party was being held in the barn. There was a stage set up with a curtain covering most of it. There were pups scattered around having conversations and all. Lita: Oh, isn't this an exciting concert, Slayer? Slayer: I hope the band plays a metal song. Silky: You having fun, Clip? Clip: *chatters* Silky: What's that? Clip: *chatters* Silky: Oh, sure, okay. Silky bent down so that Clip could climb onto her head. Joey: You guys are seriously the best friends I've ever had. Belchic: Glad to hear it, Joey. Tippy: Hey, Belchy, you want to get something to eat after this? I'm starving. Belchic: Hehe...sure, Tip. The lights dimmed. Noggin: The show's gonna start. All the pups muttered and applauded as lights came up on the stage and Puffy walked out. Puffy: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Dalmatians, dogs, cats, foxes, lizzards, dragons, animals of all species! It gives me so much pleasure to welcome you all here tonight! Are you all ready to rock? Pups: Yeah! Puffy: Are you ready to roll? Pups: Yeah! Puffy: Are you ready to rock and roll all night and party every day? Pups: Yeah! Puffy: Well, unfortunately, Kiss isn't here tonight. Pups: Awwww! Puffy: But we've got the next best thing! Give a nice big round of applause to Dearly Farm's biggest band ever...101 RPM! All the puppies went wild as the curtain opened revealing Lucky, Cadpig, Rolly and Spot all positioned appropriately in their band, and they started playing. *Cue music.* Walkin in the park just the other day, baby, What do you, what do you think I saw? Crowds of people sittin on the grass with flowers in their hair said, Hey, boy, do you wanna score? And you know how it is; I really dont know what time it was, woh, oh, So I asked them if I could stay awhile.
I didnt notice but it had got very dark and I was really, Really out of my mind. Just then a policeman stepped up to me and asked us said, Please, hey, would we care to all get in line, Get in line. Well you know, They asked us to stay for tea and have some fun, Oh, oh, he said that his friends would all drop by, ooh.
Why dont you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see, And baby, baby, baby, do you like it? There you sit, sitting spare like a book on a shelf rustin Ah, not trying to fight it. You really dont care if theyre coming, oh, oh, I know that its all a state of mind, ooh.
*guitar solo*
If you go down in the streets today, baby, you better, You better open your eyes. Folk down there really dont care, really dont care, Dont care, really dont Which, which way the pressure lies, So Ive decided what Im gonna do now. So Im packing my bags for the misty mountains Where the spirits go now, Over the hills where the spirits fly, ooh, I really dont know.Yes, all the animals had fun that night as 101 RPM performed their big concert. Of course, little did they know, a strange figure walked in and stayed in the back. This figure was actually Diana, Emma and Stealth disguised as they were earlier that day. Diana decided that maybe she, Emma and Stealth could use a little more threesome time that day, so they decided to sneak in and get some ideas for their next big scheme. Diana took some recordings of the band and the songs they performed with her phone, Emma jotted down some notes, and Stealth just stood silent and motionless at the base. What were they plotting? Nobody at the farm knows, and they may never know, but only time will tell. --- The End Well, there's the epilogue to my story. Trey_Vore, I'll be expecting a review and some illustrations sometime in the future, and babclayman, keep an eye out for a story database of this fic. As for the rest of you, I hope you all enjoyed it.
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Nuke
Full Member
RAWR!
Posts: 195
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Post by Nuke on Oct 30, 2008 15:15:48 GMT -5
nice. well...i think i know a band that will surpass 101 RPM on this board. >>
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2008 15:17:33 GMT -5
the deathpups ;D
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Post by RaceFanX on Oct 30, 2008 15:19:28 GMT -5
Trey's overloaded dude, you shouldn't expect anything.
Relatively good fic though
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2008 15:20:51 GMT -5
ok
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Post by LoneWanderer Raiden on Oct 30, 2008 15:30:42 GMT -5
*applauds* Excellent fic, Belch. Great ending too. ^^
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2008 16:24:25 GMT -5
nice ending Belchic
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