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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 6:51:46 GMT -5
Okay, as I've mentioned in the PM I sent most of you pups, I finished the 1st part of "A Little Shy to Fluttershy", yesterday, and I'm rearing to start part 2. Anyway, you, (least General and Shawn), asked to see it, so I'll show it to you. ALittleShytoFluttershyPart1.docx (16.83 KB)
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Post by Stirfry on Oct 4, 2013 8:51:21 GMT -5
Okay, as I've mentioned in the PM I sent most of you pups, I finished the 1st part of "A Little Shy to Fluttershy", yesterday, and I'm rearing to start part 2. Anyway, you, (least General and Shawn), asked to see it, so I'll show it to you. View AttachmentWell I wish I had more positive things to say. Personally, I had some issues with your wording. It was a little confusing at times and made it a bit hard to get into the story at other times. Your habit of going word/other word is a little unnecessary. You should really just pick a word and use just that to make it more smooth. that's not the only wording problem, it's just one of the ones I can address directly without referencing a specific line. I also felt you went on a little too much about author's interests. One old rule of writing is show don't tell. It's much more interesting to be shown through the course of the story rather than have loads of exposition dumped on us in the beginning. So if you want to explain that a character has an interest in a show, have someone bring it up through dialogue rather than having him directly tell the reader. All the exposition made the beginning kind of hard to get through. However, by the end I was actually starting to get a bit interested. I am curious to see twilight's reaction when she finds the author. I think this could be a good story if you fix some of these issues. I think that now that we're past the exposition at the beginning and the story is actually going, the second chapter will probably be better. I will wait and see.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 9:36:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the opinion, General. I guess what Nostalgia Critic says is true, partly, [since mine was LONG].
"Exposition. Exposition. Rush it out AS...AP." As in quickly, not lengthen it, even if you put the exposition several minutes into a story, rather than at first.
Besides, I think it'd be difficult for a human to actually tell a pony of a different universe that their universe in the human's reality is a TV show, as if there are cameras everywhere, or the humans are spying. That wouldn't make the ponies, especially Fluttershy feel safe or secure, let alone comfy. And srry about all the this/that phrases and similar ones, that's just how I tend to talk or type. ^^;
But still, I like how you're starting to enjoy it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2013 10:07:09 GMT -5
I can't seem to read it, it's nothing you did with the story Lupus honest, but the story isn't appearing on the screen at all. It's actually asking if I want to download a word perfect, rather than show me the first chapter you wrote.
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Post by Stirfry on Oct 4, 2013 10:10:30 GMT -5
I can't seem to read it, it's nothing you did with the story Lupus honest, but the story isn't appearing on the screen at all. It's actually asking if I want to download a word perfect, rather than show me the first chapter you wrote. That's because of the strange format the story is in. Word pad can open it though. Just find the file on your computer and right click it and go to the "open with." option and select Word Pad.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 11:13:33 GMT -5
The reason it's in a weird form is bcuz I typed it up on Google docs via my school laptop and, since my mom's laptop was low on power, and the internet doesn't work for the home PC, I had to use Microsoft Word 2008 so that it could be sent as a file to you pups. Srry.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 13:21:23 GMT -5
Although, here's a question, should I make it seem like Twilight was in the tree, specifically the library, when the author showed up, or was elsewhere?
That will decide more upon how she reacts, honestly.
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Post by Belchic on Oct 4, 2013 14:14:25 GMT -5
When you say, "in the tree", do you mean like...stuck in the tree? If so, I reccomend you go with that. I think it'll make the story cuter in a sense.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 14:21:31 GMT -5
I mean in the library. The options for Twi's position at the time of the author's arrival are: A. In the library, or at least in her room upstairs B, outside of it. Whether in Canterlot, still in Ponyville, or any place but inside the tree.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 4, 2013 16:19:28 GMT -5
P.S. bad f*cking news for today, and most likely the f*cking weekend. To put it short b4 the explanation, I'm NOT, of my own f*ckin' free will, gonna work on the story.
If u want 2 no y, then this is y. While I was typing more of the story on my school-issued laptop in my silent room, on google docs, it stopped typing and f*cking claimed it was trying to reconnect, even though I was getting an avg/decent connection. Then it claimed, after I closed the window and tried again, that Safari couldn't open, and I had several f*cking bars. Wen I tried it on my moms laptop the last several words I typed DIDNT show up. I can't recall what they were either. And I sure as f*ckin' h*** ain't typing it up in the living room or dining room since that's where all the f*ckin' noise of the house happens.
So to put it short, without the tower, THE F*CKING INTERNET IS A PIECE OF SH*T!!!!!
P.P.S. Srry about swearing. And b4 any of u say about trying my 360 or iPod, I ain't willing to try either especially the 360.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 5, 2013 14:53:04 GMT -5
To be honest, yesterday. after that internet issue involving the fanfic, I felt like I wouldn't be in the mood or have the inspiration to resume the story for, at most, the weekend, but I feel better now, and....*blushes* I actually have one way of getting ideas or being inspired for my story. Watching PMV's on Youtube. (The one that seems to help the most is a PMV of Phil Collins's "You'll Be In My Heart". But still....I'm sorry about all that swearing yesterday. (Heck, it seems like I swore as much as Trevor Phillips from GTA V, which I now have).
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 5, 2013 16:16:26 GMT -5
P.S. Just so you pups/ponies know, I think I might put the part where the author first meets/sees the mane 6 into least two parts, since, to put all of the encounters in one, it would take a LONG time to type and read.
Also, I finished part two. in Google Docs, it's about a 4 page read, so probably not as long as part 1. Then again, I did lose some of my inspiration, or typing/story-writing mood yesterday.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 5, 2013 17:56:49 GMT -5
Go ahead and tell me if you'd like to c part 2, though I'm sorry if part of it may seem a bit....lackluster.
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Post by Stirfry on Oct 5, 2013 18:03:15 GMT -5
Sure, I will read part 2.
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Post by Sweeney Terrier on Oct 5, 2013 18:07:12 GMT -5
As Judge Dredd said. "I knew you'd say that."
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