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Post by Tic-Tac on Mar 25, 2020 18:10:08 GMT -5
First Fanfic eh? ... Well now... How about an unprompted editing session with yours truly. Suck it up buttercup and strap in. We're going for a ride.
It was yet another typical day in Camden Town. Things were just as wild as ever over at 101 Dalmatian Street. Dylan got all the pups' teeth brushed while Dolly prepared to get all the pups fed. You didn't start with the weather. An excellent choice on your part to avoid falling into a trope of common beginnings used in Fan fiction. A good start!
"I see you pups have everything under control," said Delilah. And...proper spelling AND grammar? Who are you and what have you done with Belchic?! Even I don't add commas to the end of sentences, and I really should. Bravo.
"We're off to work now," said Doug. "See you pups soon."
After Doug and Delilah left, Dylan and Dolly met up with each other.
"We got this morning routine down pat, sis!" said Dylan. "Though the pups are sure gonna have a lot of fun today."
"Yeah, but don't say it just yet, bro," said Dolly. "Remember, that is a trigger word."
"How can I forget?" said Dylan.
It was then they realized they were holding up the line of pups. Destiny, Dallas and Deja Vu were the next ones in line. All three of their stomachs growled at the exact same time as they gave Dylan the sad puppy face.
"Oh, we still gotta finish feeding everybody!" Dylan gasped. "How many we still got?"
Dolly counted, "We only got 37 fed so far."
"Then we better hustle!" said Dylan.
Dylan and Dolly quickly got the rest of the pups cleaned and fed as they moved down the assembly line. Destiny, Dallas and Deja Vu each had their bowls of food placed in front of them. One by one, they picked up a piece of kibble and ate it, but Deja Vu accidentally picked up a clock but caught herself just in time.
"I almost ate a clock!" she said.
"Then you would've been like that crocodile from Peter Pan!" said Dallas.
As soon as all the pups were fed, Dolly and Dylan looked at each other.
"Ready, sis?" asked Dylan.
"Ready, bro!" said Dolly.
They both walked up to the front door and opened it. Dolly cleared her throat and called out to the pups: "PARK!"
All the pups heard the word and rushed outside all yapping, "Park!" Dolly and Dylan laughed as they went with all their brothers and sisters to the park.Here, you're starting to fall into the dreaded ' show don't tell' problem. Just saying the pups rushed outside yapping isn't sufficent. (Well perhaps for your level of writing) But you might consider to strive for something more vibrant and entertaining. "The thunderous roar of hundreds of legs was overwhelming! Running, bouncing, and tumbling over one and other, a tidal wave of black and white came crashing towards the door, sending puppies careening outside like a rocket"
At the parks, all the pups played around just like they normally would. Dylan and Dolly enjoyed getting some fresh air. But then, all of a sudden, they encountered two familiar faces. It was Summer and Spike! Try to avoid 'all of a sudden' or 'suddenly' often these are overused tropes that lend nothing to the story. It doesn't need to be all of a sudden, either. In such, consider having those characters notice Dylan and Dolly, (Or vice versa) to offer some build up before they meet. "Dylan smiled quietly, a slow, but decidedly wide grin starting to stretch his muzzle. He elbowed Dolly and jerked his head towards two approaching familiar faces: Summer and Spike
"Summer?" Dylan gasped. "Oh my dog! I can't believe it's actually you! How are you doing?"
"I'm doing great, Dylan," said Summer. "Still holding the family together?"
"As always," answered Dylan.
"I'm surprised to see you here too, Spike," said Dolly.
"Well, Summer and I have been out traveling for a while," said Spike. "We didn't think we'd encounter you here in Camden."
"Well, this is where we live," said Dolly.
Dylan gasped, "Dolly, you shouldn't tell others where you live!"
"Oh, relax, bro! It's fine," Dolly assured.
"It sure is nice to be a rogue dog," said Spike.
"Yeah," added Summer. "With no owners, we have the freedom to go wherever we want whenever we want."
"That's good and all," said Dylan, "but it's probably not a good idea for you guys to be here in the city."
"Why is that, Dylan?" asked Summer.
"Well, in the city, if they see a dog without a collar, they get locked up in the pound!" Dylan explained.
Spike snorted, "And what are the odds of that happening?"
At that moment, a dog catcher came out of nowhere and caught Spike and Summer with his net. They were both shocked and started to panic as the dog catcher took them into his truck. Dylan and Dolly tried to chase after him to save them, but they weren't fast enough. The dog catcher locked them up and drove them off to the pound. I suppose you need to move the plot along, but try and avoid using "Out of nowhere" Like using 'suddenly' It's a terrible thing and I shall tell you why: It robs you of your ability to write a suspenseful build up, and steals away your foreshadowing. Mentioning the dog catcher? That's good. Mentioning not having a collar? Also good. You could have the conversation continue for a bit, leaving that particular nugget of infomation in readers minds, making them wait to find out when it'll pay off. Midway through, more build up and more tension. Perhaps, Dylan hears something. He snaps her head, left and right? The sound of foot steps. He's getting a bad feeling. He asks Dolly if they should go. Dolly is unphased. This leads to more and more build up and a bigger pay off for your readers. Ultimately in the end it offers you more stuff to write and more things to build up to! Alternatively, if you wanted to go a more comedic route, you could simply describe the net coming down in the middle of conversation. This would be dynamic and a jarring shift for the readers, much like it would be for the characters.
Dylan sighed, "Quite a way to meet an old friend for the first time in forever." For the first time in forever? That's cute. I think it's from Frozen, is it not? Regardless, still a cute line.
"Relax, bro," said Dolly. "I'm sure they'll be fine." You seem to be announcing their relationship a lot. You've already established them being brother and sister. It may not be ideal to keep doing that. Most conversations used in writing don't feel the need to constantly infer familiar status with one and other. It's a bit on the mundane side.
"Summer's never been locked away before," said Dylan. "She could be worried sick!"
"I feel ya, bro," said Dolly. "We should go save them."
At this point, Dylan called all the pups together for a meeting.
"Listen up, everyone," said Dylan. "Spike and Summer were just here, but they've been caught by the dog catcher."
"Oh dear!" said Da Vinci. "That's awful!"
"I knew this day would come!" shouted Dante. "It's the end of the world!"
"Dylan and I are going to go rescue them," said Dolly.
"We're coming with you!" said Dallas.
"Yeah," said Destiny. "The more, the merrier!"
"We'll kick their butts!" said Deja Vu.
"Not this time," said Dolly. "Dylan and I have to do this on our own."
The puppies all moaned, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Actually, I think we could use Diesel," said Dylan.
Diesel popped out from the ground and asked, "Did someone call my name?"
"Yeah, Diesel," said Dylan. "We need your sniffer to sniff out the trail of the dog catcher."
"You got it," said Diesel.
"Dawkins, you're in charge of taking the rest of the pups home," said Dolly.
Dawkins sighed, "Of course, I am. My luck being the smartest pup in the family. Come along, pups."
The other pups dog piled onto Dawkins as he tried to lead them back home.
"Okay, Diesel," said Dylan. "Sniff out the trail of Summer and Spike, and we'll follow you."
Diesel picked up the scent. "Follow me!" he shouted as he started digging. Dylan and Dolly followed the trail he left for them to follow. Soon, they got to the dog pound. This is a missed opportunity for some silly antics to be had. What I'm saying is, you should add some extra conflict. Diesel getting lost. Diesel losing the trail and needing to find it again. Diesel, Dylan and Dolly having a conversation explaining what happened. "Soon they got to the dog pound" gives your readers nothing to chew on and robs you of creative routes you could take to have them get there.
"Here we are," said Diesel.
"Good boy, Diesel," said Dolly. "Now, head back home with the others."
Diesel nodded and dug his way back to 101 Dalmatian Street.
"Well, here we are," said Dolly.
"Now, how are we going to get them out of there?" Dylan pondered. "The place is heavily-guarded, and I know Pearl is on duty. No dog can get passed her eyes."
"Hang on, Dylan," said Dolly. "I've got an idea!"
She dashed off quickly and came back faster than you can say, "Bow-Whacka-Wow!" She had with her a trench coat and fedora hat. Oh boy, here we go "And what do you propose we use those for, Dolly?" asked Dylan confused.
"Don't you get it?" asked Dolly. "We can use this coat and hat to disguise ourselves as a human! I'll get on your shoulders and put this disguise on, and we'll sneak in and get Spike and Summer out of there!"
"What?" Dylan gasped. "No way! Absolutely not!"
"Aww, come on, bro," said Dolly. "Where's your sense of adventure?"
"I refuse to take part in this scheme you came up with," Dylan said firmly. "Remember the last time we tried that when we tried to fool Constantin and his cats?"
Dolly then thought back to a flashback of when they did it. In the flashback, Dolly and Dylan were performing a totem pole trench walking up to Constantin's house. Three cats were standing guard in the front.
"Hello, my fellow felines," said Dolly in a deep voice. "Do I have permission to enter your house?" I will admit, this made me chuckle
"And why should we let you in?" asked one of the cats.
Suddenly, Dylan's cat allergy started acting up. This caught Dolly off guard and started to panic. Use build up, not suddenly! Describe Dylan starting to sneeze, struggling to contain it. Lead the reader towards the conclusion, but don't hold their hand and just tell them whats about to happen.
"Ehh...Excuse me. I'm gonna sneeze," Dolly fibbed.
"AAAAACHOOOOOOOOO!" Dylan sneezed, which inflated the coat into a massive balloon shooting Dolly out of it like a cannon. The coat floated down to the ground revealing Dylan in front of the cats. Dolly soon after fell back on top of him.
"Nice try!" said the cat. "Beat it, you two!"
That was the end of the flashback. No need to write this in. No so blatantly at least. Draw the reader back to the present without jarring them out of the story.
"Hmmm. You do bring up a good point there," said Dolly.
"I'm glad you agree to that," said Dylan. "That's why I propose we come up with a new plan."
"That's just what we're going to do," said Dolly.
"I'm glad you agre--WHAAAAAA?" Dylan started to say when Dolly suddenly lifted him up on her shoulders.
"This time, you'll be on top!" said Dolly with a wink.
"Dolly, this isn't what I meant," said Dylan.
"Come on, Dylan," said Dolly. "It'll be fun!" She handed the coat and hat up to Dylan.
Dylan sighed, "Whatever you say, Dolly." Then, he put the hat and coat on and buttoned up the coat. "Alright. Let's get this over with."
Dolly started walking up to the pound's main entrance.
"Bow-Whacka-Wow!" Dolly cheered.
"Shhh!" Dylan hushed her up.
"Oop! Sorry!" Dolly whispered as she kept on walking.
They got inside and walked passed the sleeping dog catcher. Dylan looked around all the cages as Dolly continued to walk. Soon, they found a cage that Summer and Spike were fortunately both together in. Dylan lead Dolly up to the cage. This could benefit from way, way, WAY more description! You have the awesome opportunity to describe the pound and all of its horrible glory. You can write dozens of different ways to show how the place is like a maze. Or how Dylan was terrified or how Dolly simply didn't seem to notice them being in 'enemy territory' or how rotten and disgusting the cages were. You want to give your reader at least something to consider. Don't let the opportunity to develop a setting pass you by!
"Psst! Summer! Spike!" Dylan whispered.
This caught their attention. They recognized the disguised Dalmatian.
"Dylan? Is that you?" Summer asked.
"Yeah," said Dylan. "And Dolly."
Dolly peeked her head out of the coat and whispered, "We're busting you out of here!"
"Thank goodness," Summer said. "Because I don't like it here." This dialog could use some work. "I don't like it in here" Yeah? Explain why, which is on your part. Are the cages cramped? Does she have claustrophobia? otherwise, it's just a generic phrase. Of course she doesn't like it. It is a cage.
"Better get us out of here fast," said Spike. "It looks like the fuzz is on your tail!"
Dylan didn't know what Spike meant at first until he heard a familiar female voice from behind him shout, "Hold it right there!"
"Oh my dog, it's Pearl!" Dylan gasped.
Dolly quickly hid back in the coat as the duo turned around to face Pearl.
"What business do you have in here," asked Pearl suspiciously.
"Oh, uh..." Dylan started to say. "I am here to pick up these dogs. They're my dogs."
"These mutts were found in the park with no collars on," said Pearl. "By order of law, we have to keep them in here!"
Summer growled at Pearl after hearing her call her a mutt.
"How are you so sure these dogs are yours?" Pearl asked.
"Well, you see," Dylan said trying to think up a convincing lie, "I was about to give them a bath, but I left my back fence open, and they ran away without their collars."
Just then, Dolly started to get antsy. She started moving back and forth with her hind paws. This caught Dylan's attention. He had forgotten that Dolly has a habit of not being able to sit still.
Pearl blinked, "Are you feeling alright, sir?"
"Uhh, yes," said Dylan as he kicked Dolly signalling her to stop. "I'm just a little anxious to get my dogs back because I had a fun activity planned to do with them today."
Pearl was a little confused at first, but then she said, "Well, if you claim these dogs are yours, I don't want to waste any more of your time. I shall go ahead and have them released for you."
"Thank you," said Dylan. "I would very much appreciate that."
At that moment, Dolly started moving around again, this time as if she was dancing. Dylan did his best to cover it up: "Hey! Come on, get happy! Yeah!" he sang swinging his arms around. oh, my god. This is...actually kind of cute. Dumb. But cute. So perfect for the series.
Pearl rolled her eyes and went over and opened the cage letting Spike and Summer out.
"Have a good day, sir," said Pearl.
"Come on, pups," said Dylan as Dolly walked back out of the pound. Summer and Spike followed.
After they had gone, Pearl was a little confused wondering how this "human" was able to talk to her. Though she figured "he" probably has a way with horses. After all, people and horses do share close bonds with each other. Heres where the story comes apart. A "Way with horses" doesn't make a lot of sense. And if the general logic of the universe is that humans and animals don't understand each other, you can't break that rule because of a joke. It tears the entire concept apart. Pearl would instantly recognize it if some human were trying to communicate with her and actually could, the same way you'd raise an eyebrow if a dog walked up to you and suddenly could talk, and you could understand them. The idea itself is cute, yeah, yeah, the trenchcoat thing. But it falls apart when you try to add just a little bit of logic. I'll grant you it was a creative idea to get around the conflict, though.
Back outside, Dylan and Dolly got out of their disguise.
"Alright! We're out!" cheered Dolly.
"Well, whaddya know, sis?" said Dylan. "Your plan worked after all."
"I told ya it would," Dolly winked.
"Thank you for getting us out of there, guys," said Summer.
"Our pleasure," said Dylan.
"So what shall we do now?" asked Spike.
"How's about we go back to our house?" suggested Dolly.
"I concur," said Dylan. "It's probably the safest place in Camden for you guys to be right now."
Fortunately, the underground tunnel that Diesel made leading back to the house was still intact. The four pups decided to take the tunnel to get there, which was not only faster but also safer so as not to be seen in public. They went to the house and spent the rest of the day there together. Spike and Summer sure did have a lot of fun the rest of the day and wondered if they should meet with this family more often. Though the question is, what adventures would lie ahead for those two in the future? Only time will tell.Kind of a boring generic ending, but ultimately a satisfying one. They had lots of fun is kind of lame. For you. In the sense that, once again, writing that is robbing you of being able to describe how they were having fun. Or what they did. Or why it was so much fun. Or how happy they were to get away. Maybe they could throw a party. Maybe they could sit around and tell stories about what they just did to the rest of the pups. Anything is probably better than "They sure did have a bunch of fun." You're robbing yourself of this, Belchic! That being said, a fun, cute little one shot that was an impressive display of grammar and coherency. Mostly. Well done and keep at it. ~ Tac
The End...?
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Post by babclayman on Mar 26, 2020 10:33:19 GMT -5
In the case of language, I think the Show establishes that is possible for a Human to understand Animal, case in point, Hunter. If Delilah's words are any thing to go by, in "Girls' Day Out", it is suppose to be like learning a Second Language.
Like I post, there is precedent, as Hunter learns to speak (or, at least, understand) Canine in the Season One Climax.
Does that help explain that case?
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Post by Tic-Tac on Mar 26, 2020 17:30:11 GMT -5
In the case of language, I think the Show establishes that is possible for a Human to understand Animal, case in point, Hunter. If Delilah's words are any thing to go by, in "Girls' Day Out", it is suppose to be like learning a Second Language. Like I post, there is precedent, as Hunter learns to speak (or, at least, understand) Canine in the Season One Climax. Does that help explain that case? Is ...is that right? How utterly fascinating.
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